>A smashing good time

>

 I woke up in a panic because I forgot to set my alarm for the wedding. I didn’t have time to dress properly and I am watching the wedding in nothing more than panties, a blanket and my hat. 

Too much?? 

>It’s settled.

>

We’re going to London. Oliver has decided. It’s too hot to wear his cute little jacket here, so it just seems logical. 

It has nothing to do with the fact I think American politics are a joke and it definitely doesn’t have anything to do with the fact it seems the UK always has fun spanking things going on. Truly it doesn’t. It’s all about the coat. 

>Like Mother, like Daughter

>I was out to dinner with my parents and siblings for the 5th night in a row. My step-dad, brother and sister were playing over priced arcade games and my mom and I sat at the table drinking beer and talking. We were talking about men. She was giving me the “If I was your age again” speech. I’m not sure what led to this, but out of no where she said, “I like a man to slap me around a little. Take control. Tell me what to do.” I told myself to put my eye brows back down where they belong and close my mouth. Part of me wanted to say, “Ohmygod. Me, too.” but the more rational part of my brain said, “Don’t do it, C. After your buzz wears off you are not going to be happy with yourself.” I waved Walter the waiter over, ordered another round and smiled. “I know what I like and what I want. I’m just waiting for the right one to come along.”

So maybe ttwd is a little bit hereditary. 

>Disclaimer- This is not a post. This is a rant.

>I am so sick of keeping this secret. I feel like it would be easier to wear a shirt that says “In order to function, I need spanking….No really. I like and need to be spanked.” At first, friends and family would think I was crazy. And then it would just be a normal thing. I wish it was as easy as telling what flavor of ice cream to order you…. Maybe that was the wrong example. I wish it was as easy as giving someone a drink order at Starbucks… Okay, that’s actually not easy for me at all.

I JUST WISH IT WAS EASIER.

 I don’t want to have everyone call me C anymore. C is not my real name. Neither is Darling. I just want to say, “here is my name. Use it. ” But I can’t. My name is unique. I can pretty much guarantee you don’t know anyone else with the same name, so if by some slim chance you do know me in vanilla world and you read my blog, there is no way in hell you aren’t going to think/know it’s me. I don’t care. I feel like sending everyone I know an email with the link to my blog. Then I won’t have to constantly delete my browsing history or change my passwords. I won’t care if someone is looking over my shoulder while I’m writing a post. I’ll be able to let my little brother play Angry Birds on my iphone without the fear of a tweet popping up that he can’t read.

 I don’t want to look on spankfinder to find someone. The only people I’ve found on spankfinder are men at least 40 years older than me, looking for a sexual relationship. WHERE ON MY PROFILE DID I GIVE THAT IMPRESSION? When I put an age range up, it’s like a speed limit. It’s a speed limit and I’m a cop. A mean cop. If you go over 37 MPH, I’m giving you a ticket. No getting out of it. Same thing with age. If you are over 37, I am not interested. If you could have aided in my creation, I AM NOT INTERESTED.

 I’m not a switch.I don’t want to switch. I think switching is great. Yah for people who know what they want. That is not what I want. I am a bottom. I am not a top. I am good at topping, but I don’t like it. I don’t want to do it. Please don’t ask me. I have a problem saying no, so I’ll say yes and then I’ll hate it. And then in order to end it, I’ll have to be mean and I just don’t want to be mean.

I want to be able to walk down the street or into the library or a bar and be able to meet a guy that doesn’t think I’m insane for wanting a DD relationship.

Here is what I’m looking for. Maybe we could all pull our resources and make this happen soonish. I’ve got a wedding to go to the first week of May. I’d like a date.

I want a man. Age 23-37. Attractive. Taller than 5’4. Able to have an intelligent conversation. Doesn’t cringe at the thought of children. Has a good personality and a sense of humor. Knows the difference between their, there and they’re. Can handle a DD relationship. Lives within a 30 mile radius of C-town, North Carolina. Celebrates holidays. Isn’t already married. Has a good scolding voice.

Is that too much to ask for? 

>The one with the superheroes and Super villains

>

This is something a little bit different. Different because I usually hate fantasy stories. D insisted on this super hero story.  He came up with most of it. I jumped in randomly. It’s also different because I’m not editing it to make it sound like a story. He would send something to me. I would send something to him. Back and forth. His parts will be in blue. Mine will be in red. I wrote using first person. He wrote as if he was telling me the story. 

Here is a little back ground info first. There is a group of superheroes. Two guys and two girls. I am one of the girls. (I relate to stories better when I am involved.) All four of us live together in a house. We have taken in a group of three younger superheroes to train (more about them in a later story.)

 I am out patrolling on my own and I find the “Evil Warehouse.” I should take this time to tell you I know nothing about superheroes.  You aren’t allowed to laugh at things like “Evil Warehouse” or you will be spanked.  So I call the team and let them know where I am and tell them to come join me so we can take the bad guys down! Well I hear something going on inside and I just can’t wait any longer. I need to go in to see what is going on. As soon as I walk into the warehouse someone blasts me with some sort of gas and I fall asleep.

I wake up with my hands tied together above my head and my ankles tied together and I am on my toes. I know the rest of my team will be arriving any minute and I want their arrival to be a surprise, so I taunt the villain. I talk to him and act tough. I really push his buttons, so much that he gags me.  I am wearing a one piece body suit and after I upset him he rips it off and pulls it down to my thighs. I’m hanging there in my bra and panties. I’ve pissed him off by reminding him of his past defeats and so on. So now he is going to take his revenge out on me.

 He pulls a cane out and starts whipping it around in the air in front of you and he’s grinning. Roughly, he pulls your panties down and starts to cane you. Not very fast, but definitely hard. He relishes it and your pained reactions.

 I’m trying to pretend it doesn’t hurt, but it does. After each stroke, I bite down hard on the gag.

Long, thin, dark lines are appearing on your naked butt. The fourth one lands at the crease of your butt and thighs.

I’m moving as much as my restraints will allow. When the fourth one lands, I scream a little.

He laughs at you when you scream, and he rips your suit some more, revealing most of your thighs. He taunts you about not being much of a superhero right then, but just another helpless girl in distress. And then he canes your thighs.

Slow, methodical and painful. He lets each carefully aimed blow sink in for maximum effect and he enjoys watching you struggle against the restraints and shake wildly in your helpless, exposed state. Once you’ve started to calm down from one stroke, the next one lands.

There are between 8 and 10 strokes in all. They are painful, slow and drawn out and he alternates between my butt and thighs. Before he can start the painful cycle again, the rest of my team bursts in and a fight ensues. The bad guys obviously get beaten and chased off. My boyfriend superhero unties me and ungags me. He hugs me close and tight. We go back to our house where I get patched up and healed. We are superheroes after all, so we have healing equipment. After about an hour I am back to normal.

He takes my hand and leads me upstairs to the bedroom. He sits on the bed and pulls me between his legs. He kisses my forehead and tells me how glad he is nothing happened to me. How much he loves me. How worried he was.  I have no idea where he’s going with this. I feel like I was just put through an extremely traumatic experience and never in a million years would I think he is actually going to spank me right now.

While he is talking to me his tone is soft and he’s rubbing my arm. Then he takes both of his hands and firmly grabs my upper arms.

I look at him kind of surprised. Then he starts scolding me. His soft tone is gone. He goes on to tell me how irresponsible I was and what a horrible example that was for the trainees.  What if they couldn’t find me? What if he had done more than just spank me? I need to start being more responsible and rational when it comes to situations like this. We are a team and we need to stick together. And he loves me too much to let me get away with things like this.

He asks you if you understand what he has said. After you nod, he tells you clearly and calmly that he is going to spank you, that it is going to hurt and that you will not be allowed to use the healing machines on your butt. No, you will be spending the night on your stomach, to make sure you learn your lesson.

I try to argue that I was already spanked and it is not necessary or fair to spank me.

He responds that you were caned by a super villain for the villain’s enjoyment. This is different. This is for your benefit. He explains that he isn’t going to enjoy punishing you. You earned this spanking and just because a villain was mean to you, that doesn’t mean you can get off without taking your earned punishment.

And so you are put over his knee, your bottom bared and his strong, heavy hand spanks you. He scolds you while he spanks. He tells you how important you are not just to the city, as a superhero, or to the team, but to him personally. He cares about you and if anything happened to you he would be devastated. And he spanks you hard and long until you are kicking and sniffling and you butt is completely red and hot to the touch. Then he lets you lie there over his lap for a few minutes while you calm down and he tells you that it is over. You’ve been punished and now you are going to behave and do better. And then he stands you up and hugs you and kisses you. 

>You are getting very sleepy

>

I haven’t been able to sleep. I’m not even at the “I’m so tired I’m going to be bratty and miserable today” stage. I passed that stage days ago. Now I’m at the “I’m a zombie and I’m tired all the time” Stage. I feel like I could pass out at any given moment during the day, but when bedtime rolls around I cannot sleep for more than 2 hours at a time.

So last night. It’s 11 and I’m wide awake which is funny because at 10:30 I was falling asleep at the table while I was trying to finish up my work for the night. I started writing a post, thinking it would help me sleep if I got some of my thoughts out.  Thoughts were flowing. Good times were rolling. I was getting ready to look for pictures for the post and then WAM BAM, google chrome shut down.  “That’s okay.” I thought to myself. “Blogger always saves the page every few minutes, so I never lose anything.”

WRONG. 

The page did not save. The last time it saved was 15 minutes before “shut down.” I wrote 6 paragraphs. I had 1.5 left. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to break something.

Right around this time D was online and he asked me why I was having trouble sleeping. That irritated me. If I knew why I was having trouble sleeping, don’t you think I would have fixed it by now? Then he went on to tell me to get off the computer and drink something relaxing.  Between my lack of sleep, D telling me to do things I didn’t want to do and the browser crash, my irritation level was at an all-time high.

I very quickly said goodnight to D and slammed the computer shut. Next thing I knew I was waking up to the birds chirping outside my window. I slept through the night!!! Now I know what the trick is and I ask you all to help me achieve my goal of sleeping through the night every night. D can’t be here every night to irritate me, so will you all get online around 10:30 and do the most irritating things you can possibly think of? If we all work together, we can achieve this goal. I believe in you! Thanks in advance. 

>It’s just not working

>I was draped over the chair and I was thinking. That was a lot harder than it sounds; a very thick and heavy wooden spoon was being vigorously applied to my thighs and butt. All I could think was, “This is not working.” I mean, the spanking was working. It hurt. It hurt so much that I had to end the session with my safe word. The part that wasn’t working was the situation…the relationship or lack thereof. I am not looking for someone to pull my pants down, spank me and then send me on my way until next week. I’m getting the spanking, the physical part of discipline, but I’m not getting the emotional part, the part I actually need.  I need the lecture. The stern look. The bit of disappointment in his voice. I need someone who wants to see me succeed as much as I want to see myself succeed. I need the spanking and then I need the forgiveness. Too many pieces of the puzzle were missing.

I talked to D a little bit about it. His advice was simple, “If it’s not working then stop seeing him.” Simple enough, but I like to over analyze the shit out of things. So I sat and came up with a mental list of things that weren’t working and things that were working. The list of cons outweighed the list of pros. After thinking it over for a few more days, I emailed S this afternoon and told him I would not be coming back next Monday. I explained it wasn’t anything he did, it just wasn’t right for me. I’m glad I did it, but I also feel a bit disappointed. I’m selfish. I like being spanked. It was soooo convenient with S. But I am not selfish enough to put myself in a situation I do not feel safe with.

I’m very new to all this and I’m just starting to explore. There are going to be things that work and things that don’t work. I’m glad I was able to recognize that it wasn’t working and I’m thankful that I was able to try it out in a safe environment.

>An update for those curious folks out there

>

Sometimes my life gets a little bit confusing…even for me. I feel like it’s been a crazy whirl wind the last few months. I’ve neglected my blog. I’ve neglected my body. I’ve neglected my responsibilities. I’ve neglected my job. I’ve been in a funk. Fortunately for me, I have two awesome people in my life to firmly take my hand and pull me out of this funk. I’d like to introduce them to you. Let’s start with S. I found him on spankfinder. He had a very interesting info section. It was almost like a wanted ad calling my name- “Are you a young lady that can’t seem to get her life under control? Are you neglecting your blog, your body, your responsibilities and your job? If so, you’ve come to the right place.” Okay, that’s not really what it said. It was something along those lines and it spoke to me. We began emailing back and forth and set up a time to meet for coffee and chat. Long story short, I stood him up. Got as far as walking up to the coffee shop, he asked if I was C. I said no and got the hell out of there. Later that night I got an email. He understood I was nervous and he would still be there if I changed my mind. I was so embarrassed and feeling lousy about standing him up that I took a few days to reply. That same day, a friend encouraged me to look for a Munch on fetlife. Wow. This is a long story and we aren’t even half way through. We can take a break for some tea or juice or milk in a bag. Pick your poison. 

Okay, so she found a Munch for me and it happened to be that same day. I said, “You know what, C? You want to do this. You CAN do this. You are going to this Munch today and you are going to get involved in this community. No use sitting at home envying people that get spanked. It’s going to end now.” And end it did. S was at the Munch. He is an older gentleman. Very fatherly-like. We talked the entire time. Yada yada yada, he asked if I wanted to give spanking a shot. I said yes. He started lecturing. Yada yada yada. He pulled me over his lap in front of all those people and started spanking me. Kidding. But we did go back to his house and he gave me one hell of a spanking. (I had already given his info to a friend when I went to meet S at the coffee shop the week before. I texted said friend and told him to call the police if he hadn’t heard from me in an hour. I also checked the sex offenders website and did many google searches on his name. I was safe.) So I was spanked for slacking off on my school work and for blowing him off. Then I went home on my merry way to admire my beautifully bruised bottom. So, to sum up S, he is the spanker and just the spanker. 


Now we will move onto the other wonderful person keeping me in line, Mr. Bossy Pants…. I mean D. I started reading D‘s blog a couple months ago. I didn’t know if D was a guy or girl, all I knew was this person wrote wonderful stories that made me blush. Apparently D was also reading my blog. We started emailing. Yada, yada, yada. It all started out as a regular friendship and then became more of a Top/bottom relationship. I’ll tell you what I told him yesterday, “You know what I like about you? You aren’t ever pouty. You’re funny. You’re smart. You’re just the right amount of mean. You’re strict. You’re sweet and you’re caring.” And those are all the things he is, plus more. He spoils me with stories. He stays up until 5 am talking to me, because of the time difference. He streams Doctor Who and we watch it together even though I am grounded from watching TV.  (Not because I wanted to watch it, but because HE wanted me to watch it. So Toppy.) He doesn’t let me get my way. He holds me accountable. He lectures like a champ. He’s fabulous. 


There is one very big “issue” I have with D. He is in Australia studying right now. That’s a 2 hour time difference, plus an AM/PM change. (It’s 1:30 PM my time. It is 3:30 AM his time.) I have work. He has class. I’m sleeping during his day. He’s sleeping during my day. What a headache. Anyway. 


D keeps me in line using things that he can do while we are on separate continents. So when I complain about not being able to watch tv, or sitting in the corner studying flash cards or writing essays, we can all blame D :p 


So now you are caught up! 

>There’s beauty in the breakdown

>

I made the mistake of telling S I wanted to be brought to the point of tears during a spanking. I told him I didn’t think it was possible. I mean, as children we cried about physical pain all the time, but when was the last time you cried from stubbing your toe or slamming your finger in the door? It hurts, but very rarely are we brought to tears.

 I want that release.  

I need that release.

I don’t always get what I want and need. 

But sometimes I do. 

The spanking brought forth no tears. At times, it took my breath away, but no tears. 

I got in my car to drive home and I felt like I was on top of the world.

Light. Happy. Wonderful. 

I got home and read an email from a friend and the water works began. The email contained nothing sad or mean or anything that would normally make me cry. I guess it was just a case of “right place at the right time.” 

I cried on my bed. I pulled myself together.

I cried while walking the dogs. I pulled myself together. 

I cried while taking a shower. I didn’t even attempt to pull myself together. 

I got the release, but then the high was gone. I felt lonely and quiet and very well punished. And then the exhaustion kicked in. I slept like a baby…even through the hurricane like storm that tore through the city that night. 

>You want me to what, Dear?

>

 Susan has no idea what she’s getting herself into.